Forward
by GoEunAh
Summary: Isabella must accept the truth that her husband was lost in battle during World War II. Time has moved on, but each day she is forced to take a step further from the man she promised to wait for. The same man that was there for her during her darkest times, was now asking her to wait for him in his own dark days.


**_Author:_ **

**Hello,**

**I wanted to write a short story that was inspired by a song, I hope you enjoy.**

**GoEun**

_September __2, 1948_

_Dear Edward Masen,_

_ Today I woke up and had a craving for taffy, it was an usual thing since I haven't eaten it in years, but there it was. Since it was morning I didn't think it was wise to have it for breakfast, but then I remember that you weren't one for normalcy; so inspired by your rebellion I went off to the corner mart and enjoyed a few sticks of sugary sweetness in the park. It's a beautiful day out, it's a day straight from a novel. The birds were singing, children's laughter in the air, the wind blowing just ever so gently and the sun beaming brightly down upon us, as if it were a proud parent. Although it's September, the weather is quite wonderful, I love a nice hot day so I will not complain about the oncoming Indian Summer._

_I can recall a day where you and I went for a picnic because we were tired of being pent up in the house. The weather was similar to today's and you complained of the heat until we bought some ice cream to cool you off. Looking back I think it was simply you being rather bratty and wanting something sweet before lunch. Your unorthodox style of living always perplexed me, but I believe it was partly what drew me to you._

_It's been several years since you're death and I still miss you as if you had only left yesterday._

_Warmest Regards,_

_Isabella Masen_

* * *

"Isabella," Carlisle's voice took me from my letter.

"Yes?" I looked up at the man standing the doorway.

He smiled at me, his eyes tucked behind a pair of bifocals.

"The guests are here."

I returned the smile and set down my pen. "I'll be there momentarily."

* * *

_September 14, 1948_

_Dear Edward Masen,_

_I had watched the women in our neighborhood one by one receive that dreadful letter, to open the door and see that man in uniform hand them the cruel fate of their husband's was sickening. We'd surround the newly realized widow and comfort her in her time of grief. But there's no recipe formed in regards to condolence and there's no words that are more satisfying than the return of the man you love. Each time I witnessed a letter being delivered, I prayed fervently that my door would never ring and it would be you. And during the war my prayers seemed to be answered, but you never came when it ended. I waited and waited for your return, the knots in my stomach grew tighter and tighter waiting for the sight of you to release their tension. Soldier after soldier began to return, but where was my sweet Edward that promised to return unscathed. Was I a bit foolish for believing you?_

_Moving on is what the doctor prescribed;_

_You were gone, but I wasn't. But how do I move on from the greatest gift this life blessed me with? Writing letters to you was one remedy given. I told my therapist I had stopped writing these well over six months ago, but I find them quite helpful and I'm not sure I'm able to let you go just yet. I'm sure if you were me, you'd do the same. _

_Warmest Regards,_

_Isabella Masen_

I folded the letter up and slipped it inside the envelope, once sealed I placed in the drawer with the others and stood from my desk. Carlisle was still asleep, he had a long night in the ER and had only fallen asleep mere hours ago. I quietly walked over and removed the glasses from his face, he had a bad habit of falling asleep in them. His dark blonde tresses were disheveled and a matching scruff was growing on his face. I gave a small smile to the handsome man I was engaged to, I was a lucky woman to call him mine. But I wasn't his.

* * *

_March 23, 1949_

_Dear Edward Masen,_

_ Is it terrible that when I look at my fiancé all I want to see is you in his place? Why haven't you left my heart? It's not fair to the man I've agreed to marry, he cares for me and wants to provide for me. It's what everyone else has done, they've moved on…started a new family. So why do I feel guilty that I have Carlisle? Are you haunting me? Forbidding me to remarry from the afterlife? Well if you feel so strongly about it, come back to me and say it to my face. Otherwise, let me live in peace with Carlisle. He's a good man…unlike you who took me to steal peaches from someone's property and nearly got me arrested. He's kind, and gentle…the opposite of you Edward, a true upstanding citizen._

_This probably will be my last letter to you, I can't be married and still love you. I want to be a faithful wife to my husband and that is no longer you. Although you were more than my husband, you were my very best of friends, Carlisle wouldn't be understanding and he doesn't have to be. I will miss you and I love you truly._

_Warmest Regards,_

_Isabella Masen_

* * *

_J__uly 17, 1949_

_Dear Edward Masen,_

_Carlisle kissed me the other night, which isn't unusual since we have kissed many times. But this time when I closed my eyes, I saw you. I saw your smile, those beautiful green eyes and that messy hair that you never wanted to manage. I saw that crooked smile turn into a fit of laughter and before I knew it I was in a fit of tears. I'm a terrible human being, for trying to move on without you and for dragging Carlisle into this. I tried to call off the engagement but, but Carlisle, being the sweet man that he is said that he is willing to wait for my heart. _

_But he'll end up waiting forever because I don't think I'll ever be free from loving you Edward Masen. But you left me, even though you said you would never leave me alone because I spent too much time being alone before we met. You promised to take care of me because no one else did. But you left me like everyone else did. And now here it is another man is willing to reprieve me of my loneliness and you won't allow me to love him. Your selfishness is astounding._

_Warmest Regards,_

_Isabella Masen_

* * *

I looked up at the mirror and begged myself inwardly to get it together. In a few months, I was going to be remarried and my new focus was going to be Carlisle Cullen, not Edward Masen. I had told myself that this was the last letter, but that was also supposed to happen two letters ago. My letters were growing well out of hand. But they were my last link to him.

I pulled out the letter I received a few years back, the grief I saw in the eyes of the man who handed it to me was something I had never wanted to see for myself. I had seen it so many times that it made me sick to my stomach just imagining getting one for my own husband. But I had gotten it, even though I prayed and hoped and prayed some more. The telegram stating that my husband was gone, lost to the war he fought in. I crumpled, physically, mentally, emotionally…I barely remember the days that passed. The women that surrounded me, his parents coming to grieve with me, the funeral. I do remember returning home after burying a body that wasn't there.

The house was obnoxiously silent, completely devoid of the spirit it once carried. Coming home to Edward was the thing that my spirit craved the most and having him return home was just as exciting. I stood outside the house for ten hours until the neighbors felt enough pity to finally move me inside.

* * *

_October 1, 1949_

_Dear Edward Masen,_

_ I'm married now, for our honeymoon Carlisle surprised me with a trip to Ibiza, Spain. I had no idea such a beautiful place existed until he told me we were going. You would have loved it, our trips to the beach paled in comparison to the beautiful white sands of Spain. But the memories that we share on the shore will never be forgotten or triumphed over. The thrill of you chasing me, being in your arms while we baked in the sun or the annoying pleasure you got from nearly drowning me were with me every second Carlisle and I spent on the beach. The new memories with him were ruined by the old ones of you. _

_Everything Carlisle does…never seems to live up to you. His touch, his kiss…he isn't you. I'm trying very hard to forget you, but apparently I'm not trying hard enough because here I am, still craving for you the same as the day I met you._

_Warmest Regards,_

_Isabella Cullen_

* * *

"Do you remember the day he left?" my friend Alice asked rhetorically. "I remember Jasper's scent as if it were mere moments ago that he was shipped off to war."

My mind went back to the day I looked at Edward for the last time, he was in his uniform and he was still as handsome as ever even with the amount of disgust I held for the clothing. He had cut off all the hair we had both grown accustomed to running our fingers through. We stood on the porch, it was early morning and the truck would be arriving soon to retrieve him. He pulled me into his arms and whispered promises of returning and words of reassurance. He wouldn't be like my parents who had died and left an orphan, he wouldn't make me another term that I never asked for. 'Orphaned Widow', How ghastly. We kissed and then kissed again, and then the tears spilled involuntarily revealing that I was not nearly as strong as I pretended to be the moment he got his draft letter.

"It was the first time I had seen Edward cry," I finally spoke to Alice's question. "He was always strong for me, but this time…"

I looked up from my hands and at my pregnant friend. "Do you feel guilty? For remarrying?"

"I feel like a piece of shit," she said it as if she had been dying to tell someone. "And having this baby has made me feel worse by the day."

Tears welled up in her eyes. "Jasper wanted kids so badly, but…it just never happened."

I grabbed her hand and gave it a comforting squeeze. "Hey, I know it sounds terrible, but imagine raising a child without their father. In fact you don't have to imagine it, look at Jessica and Rosalie, they both have children that don't have fathers anymore."

Our other two friends, Jessica who had a four year old and a one year old when she got the news of her husband, had not remarried and was struggling to support her and her children. Rosalie, whose husband did return but not with his mind had to raise three of their kids on her own while also supporting her husband who would wake the entire neighborhood with his screams of terror as he would dream of being back on the battlefield.

I suppose Alice and I were lucky in a sense of we only had ourselves to take care.

* * *

_December 25, 1949_

_Dear Edward Masen,_

_Merry Christmas! Remember our first Christmas together? You invited me to spend the holiday with your family and I was terrified. I wasn't sure your parents would like me and we had only been dating for a few months, but you knew I had been spending the holidays alone ever since I moved out of the orphanage. But the ease of being with your family that day told me that we were meant for each other, I don't think I ever told you but that was the day I knew I was in love with you. No one had ever tended to me so thoughtfully. I wanted to tell you then, but I was a coward and waited another two months before I told you my feelings, but it was only because you told me first. If I could go back to that day, I would have told you what you meant to me and then a thousand times over._

_I can't remember for the life of me what I bought you, maybe your mother will remember. I'm going to visit her later today. She's not doing well, ever since she lost you and the Papa soon after, she hasn't been the same. But she's a fighter, so I know she'll pull through. Carlisle says she's going to be okay as well, just fighting a nasty cold. So don't worry too much, we'll make sure she's nurses back to health._

_Every time I look into her eyes, I'm reminded of yours and pushed back to square one of moving on. What am I going to do Edward Masen? You don't seem to be vacating my heart anytime soon. Carlisle is patient though, which is even more burdensome…so do me a favor and help me let you go._

_Warmest Regards,_

_Isabella Cullen_

* * *

Carlisle sat in front of the box of letters he found in my drawer.

"I have no idea what it's like to go through what you went through," he began. I can tell he was suppressing as much anger as he could. "You lost a husband, a man you loved and would continue to love if he hadn't of died."

I didn't dare meet his eyes, I was too ashamed. I had told him I stopped writing letters when we got engaged and I truly tried, but they were my exhaling breath. Without them, I learned that I would die.

"But damn it Isabella, I'm your husband now, have you once considered my own feelings?"

I nodded, of course I had and I felt like I deserved hell every time I used pen and paper to write to the man my heart truly belonged to. I didn't deserve Carlisle and I felt even crappier knowing I stole him from a much brighter and happier future. He was stuck with me, stuck with the woman who can't get over her dead first husband.

"Do you have anything to say?" He asked, a desperate tone to his voice.

* * *

_April 30, 1950_

_Dear Edward Masen,_

_I apologize for the extended absence, it's been difficult with Carlisle and I and I think I've finally gained some of his trust back. Which is why it pains me to say that I will no longer be writing to you my dearest friend and husband. I will keep this short,_

_It was truly an honor to love you and it was an even greater honor to be loved by you._

_I bid you farewell Edward._

_From Your Most Cherished Orphan,_

_Isabella Cullen_

* * *

I choked on a sob as I folded the letter up with trembling hands.

"Jesus pull your shit together, Swan" I tried to gather myself but one more glance at the letter and I fell apart once again.

"How the hell am I supposed to live without you?!" I screamed in panic. "You told me I didn't have to and I didn't plan for this shit!"

My body shook as wave after wave of emotion rushed over me. The last letter to Edward was soaked with tears, but it didn't matter. It was going to burn with the others soon.

I stood from the desk and somehow made it to the backyard. There in a pile was the other letters that I collected over the years. Alice arrived first, followed by Jessica and Rosalie, surrounding me with support.

We took a step back as Rosalie poured a little gasoline of the hefty pile of parchment, to make the process quicker. I held the matches in my hand and before I lost all courage and dignity, I struck one of the wooden sticks against the box and a flame erupted from it. With a shaky breath, I inhaled and tossed the lit match on the pile and nearly fainted at the sight of it catching flame.

My friends supported me, holding me upright while we watched the last hope of my late husband burn away. I watched as a part of me burned along with it, creating a hole that would never be filled again.

* * *

The sound of the mailman's bell ringing from down the street brought me from the book I was engrossed in. Carlisle was waiting for a package from a friend in Chicago, he asked me to be on the lookout for it. I set down my book and went to greet Robert, the neighborhood mailman for six years.

"Good Morning Mrs. Cullen," He smiled at me as he walked up our walkway. Almost two years and I still haven't adjusted to the name change.

"Isabella is fine, for the umpteenth time." I scolded him jokingly. "And Good Morning to you as well Robert."

He handed me a pile of mail as well as a small cube wrapped in thick brown paper and a couple strings of twine.

"How are the wife and kids?" I asked exchanging pleasantries.

"Good, Rebecca hasn't been able to move around much, turns out carrying two kids is a bit more difficult than carrying one." Robert chuckled.

"That poor woman, I'm sure she's praying they'd come soon."

"We both are," Robert was concerned for his wife.

"Let me know if you need anything, once the babies are born I'll be sending over dishes for you and the family."

"There's absolutely no need for you to do such a thing!" Even though I had spoken to him about this multiple times before, he was still adamant on saying no.

"It's not a problem, it's just Carlisle and I, and since Carlisle is rarely ever home I end up cooking meals for no one but myself. So please indulge me and let me help."

He sighed. "You're truly a saint Mrs. Cul…" he stopped short of his words when I glared at him. "Isabella…Rebecca and I are truly thankful to you."

"It's absolutely a pleasure to help out," I smiled at him.

"I'll see you tomorrow," he waved and was off to return to his work.

I turned around and headed back into my home, I began to sort through the pieces of mail to separate my own mail from Carlisle's. I made my way to his office, where I left any mail addressed to him on his desk.

I came across two letters that were addressed to me, the envelopes worn and damaged, brown and warped from being wet by water. The elegant handwriting brought my heart to what felt like a complete halt before it slammed hard in my chest. My hand gripped onto the left side of my chest and my knees gave out from underneath me. I fell onto the floor of Carlisle's office, closing my eyes.

"I must be dreaming," I squeezed my eyes tighter and then opened them. I wasn't dreaming.

The letters from Edward Masen were real.

The stamps signaling misdelivery and return to senders explained why I was getting these letters five years after the death of my husband.

The idea that he wrote these for me, wondering if I had received them had brought me to tears. Not wasting anymore time, I opened the first letter and dove into the words.

* * *

_January 19, 1943_

_To My Life Bella,_

_It's been three years since we last saw each other and three years since I've been writing to you with no idea of if you actually receive them. But I find writing to you has been a soothing balm to my spirit in these dark times. Writing to you makes me feel as if you are right here by my side, so I find myself writing a few times a day, so forgive me if your mailbox is bombarded with my rantings. I'm in Japan now, I know if you were with me you'd be amazed at the scenery. How small minded must our concept of beauty be to think that little old Forks, Washington was picturesque. Our woods and mountains pale in comparison to the other parts of this world Bella. One thing this war has taught me is that we are small and the world is quite large. _

_I miss you terribly, each day that goes by I think that the ache to have you near me would lessen, but amazingly it intensifies. Oh how I want to drink those big brown eyes of yours in and inhale the scent of you. I hope you aren't too lonely, it'll kill me if you are. Promise me you're being intentional about spending time with others, you've got a family now. My parents adore you and would love to have you over at anytime. And as much as I hated sharing you with them, Alice, Jessica and Rosalie are also great excuses not to be holed up in the house._

_What's keeping me alive out here is knowing you're waiting for me at home, so just hold tight. If it's me that's got to end this war with my bare hands to get back to you then so be it._

_From,_

_Edward_

* * *

_June 3, 1942_

_To My Life Bella,_

_We're in Russia, I can't remember which part we've moved around so quickly in such short amounts of time. The night sky is beautiful, it makes me wish you were here to enjoy it with me, but not with all these men around. As much as I love my fellow comrades I'd kill one of them from the way they eye the photo of you I carry. It just shows how lucky I am to call you my own, I knew from the moment I laid eyes on you that I'd be the village idiot if I didn't make you my wife. We're headed out so I have to leave, but you'll be hearing from me soon._

_From,_

_Edward_

* * *

_January 1, 1940_

_To My Life Bella,_

_ Happy New Year! I'm recalling last year when you got drunk at my company's party and I had to carry you out of the party because you weren't finished dancing. I doubt you remember much of that night, but you stayed up with me in bed talking about our children. You wanted a boy that was a spitting image of his father so you could love me twice as much. And I wished for a daughter that looked like me so that I wouldn't have to worry about boys, because if she looked anything like you I'd be in trouble. You slept so soundly in my arms that night, if I had known that exactly one year later you'd be gone from me, I would have held you tighter and longer. We've been stuck in Germany for quite some time, I'll talk to you again soon._

_From,_

_Edward_

* * *

After the first day, more and more letters came from Edward. From different times and different places, some of them only a sentence long and other four pages worth of Edward's precious thoughts to me. I didn't dare share them with Carlisle which just made me feel all the more like a terrible wife, but it would only hurt him and I had done enough of that. So I hid them at Alice's house this time, reading them and then running down the street when Carlisle was away at work to put the new ones with the ones I've read.

One thing I noticed was how much he protected me from the truth of his surroundings, you would think he was in paradise with how he described the places he went to. But from the news and from the recollections of the soldiers that returned safely in our own town, the war was filled with unmentionable horrors and traumatic memories for many. But Edward only spoke of how he missed me and how I would love the different countries and cities he came across. Some letters would have remnants of flowers or leaves he tried to save for me, but were now flakes and practically dust, I could only tell what they were from his description in the letters.

Everyday I couldn't wait to hear from him, the past Edward. I couldn't believe that he was writing me all this time and I never knew. The latest letter I had received was the year the war ended.

* * *

_June 19, 1945_

_To My Life Bella,_

_There's talk of the war ending, which means I can see you again. It's been too long, I'm not sure how long since it's been awhile since I've seen the time. Sometimes it feels as if years have gone by and I wonder if you've moved on and forgotten of me, but other times it feels as if time drags; seconds feel like hours and I feel trapped. But I'm hoping that this will be the end of this foolish war and I get to come to you. We are in Italy and I wish that this is where I proposed to you and not in Portland. It's gorgeous here, I think this is first city that reminds me of your beauty. Everywhere I turn it seems I am reminded of my wife. I try not to make these letters solemn, but please tell me that you haven't left me behind. Many years have passed away, but I've fought with you in mind, determined to make sure that when I die it'll be on my terms and with you by my side. I'll be home soon, I promise._

_From,_

_Edward_

* * *

I sat on the bench of my porch, watching the sunset. Carlisle was in the house sound asleep, another busy day for him. I cried silently, feeling as if I had betrayed two human beings. I betrayed Edward, because I didn't wait. And I betrayed Carlisle because I wasn't giving the same love he displayed to me. I didn't deserve either one of them.

_August 30, 1945_

_To My Life Bella,_

_The war has ended, the war is still going. We keep getting mixed news, but just hold tight Bella, I'm almost home. I'm not dead, I'm just in a faraway land, but rest assured that I'll be home soon. _

_From,_

_Edward_

* * *

No matter how many more came in the mail, I searched for a letter later than this one, but none came. This was the last letter Edward sent before he died. I clutched the letter tightly, wishing that he wrote more. But he didn't know that these would be the last words to me, how could he have known?

"You know what Edward asked me after your first date?" Esme, Edward's mother said to me.

I shook my head, I was sitting on a park bench with her, enjoying the summer sun.

"If he could have my ring so that he could propose on the second date," she laughed. "I hit him so hard, I sprained my wrist. But he was serious, he knew from the beginning that he would marry you. Do you know one the reasons why?"

I shook my head once again.

"He said he never wanted to see eyes as beautiful as yours so sad again," she took my hand in hers. "My Edward found purpose in bringing you joy, he wanted nothing more than to be a light in your world. So I know it wouldn't do his memory any justice if you spent your life broken by losing him."

Her words hurt and I couldn't bear to hear them.

"He died, you didn't. How do you think he would feel if he knew you were using him as an excuse to be miserable and depressed?"

She wasn't wrong, but that didn't make her words any less painful. She looked me directly in the eyes.

"We have to let him go," she gave a weak smile. Tears welled up in her eyes, eyes that reminded me of Edward's.

I nodded. "I promise, I'll let him go."

She cupped my cheek and wiped a tear away that escaped. "You've got great man who's waiting for you now, don't lose him too."

I walked home, needing the time to think and clear my mind. It wasn't that long of a walk, but by the time I had arrived the sun was setting. It was during sunset when I found I had lost Edward. I stopped in front of my house, the sky orange and red, with speckles of purple and pink. This was our favorite time to sit outside, to reflect on another day spent together. Even when we fought, angered one another, we found each other here.

The door to the house was open, I stared through the threshold and watched as Edward walked through the door. Even from this distance I could see those emerald eyes come alive, my heart responded to their call. He stepped off the porch and closed the distance between us, soon he was inches away from me.

"You waited a long time didn't you?" He asked me.

I nodded swallowing back more tears. "Too long."

"You don't have to wait anymore," he smiled at me.

I inhaled and exhaled out a weeping sound. "I hope you'll forgive me."

Edward gave me a look that he used to give me when I said something stupid.

I closed my eyes and took a step towards him, and then another, each step feeling like I carried cement in my legs. One final step and I past where Edward once stood and I didn't dare to look back, but I kept moving. Each breath was shaky and uncertain, it didn't feel right leaving him behind. Just like he didn't want me to be alone, I didn't want him to be alone. I wanted to look back, but I knew he wouldn't be there. So I took more steps towards the house, until I reached the door opened it, let myself in the house and shut the door behind me. Leaving Edward where he was and bringing myself forward to the reality I lived in.

The house was silent, the sound of a ticking clock, time was still moving forward.

And so must I.

* * *

**I would love feedback!**

**I also wrote an alternative ending, so if anyone is interested, I will post it.**

**Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoyed it as much as I wrote it.**

**GoEun**


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